


Yes Brainy There Is A Santa Claus (Kind of)

by JudeDeluca



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Legion of Super Heroes (TV), Legion of Super Heroes - All Media Types, Legion of Super-Heroes (Comics), Superman (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeDeluca/pseuds/JudeDeluca
Summary: For the holiday season, Lightning Lad and Brainiac 5 are volunteering at the local mall. Garth's dressing up as Santa Claus and Brainy's his elf. Garth signed up for this. Brainy... did not. And won't stop complaining.Some Lightning/Saturn and also some Clark/Brainy pairing plus chubby Garth. Happy holidays!





	Yes Brainy There Is A Santa Claus (Kind of)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a gift for the Legion World message board, to go alongside a commission I ordered from peskyshortcake on tumblr.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” Brainiac 5 muttered as he looked at himself in the mirror. He felt so awkward dressed in his elf costume. “I can’t believe you MADE me agree to this.”

“Oh unclench Brainy,” Lightning Lad teased as he adjusted the belt on his costume. “It’s for charity.”

“Why didn’t they get Bouncing Boy for this?” Brainy moaned. “I bet Triplicate Girl would’ve loved to dress up for him.”

“Not after what happened last year,” Garth reminded Brainy while putting on a fake white beard over his natural red goatee. “We’re still paying for that kid’s therapy.”

“Like this isn’t traumatizing enough,” Brainy whined. “Besides, this is only enabling you.”

“Enabling me how?” Garth put on a pair of glasses as Brainy stood in front of him.

“I’ve been nagging you for weeks about how much weight you’ve been gaining,” Brainy shook Garth’s stomach, “And you agree to play a character that’s like the patron saint of obesity. Tell me was this just an excuse to binge on candy?”

“Didn’t Phantom Girl say body shaming’s the sign of an 11th Level Intellect?” Garth smacked Brainy’s hand away. “Anyway, how does this sound? Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Too deep?”

“Perfect,” Brainy dryly replied. “You’ve redefined the character for the 31st Century.”

“Can you at least try to smile?” Garth asked. Brainy pouted. “Well if you wanna make the Legion look bad…”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Brainy stomped out of the dressing room. And slammed the door behind him.

“Aren’t you gonna at least say ‘Bah hambug’ if you’re gonna be this way?” Garth called after Brainy.

“BITE ME!” Brainy shouted.

“Yeesh,” Garth turned back to the mirror and made sure his hat looked right.

Brainy looked back down the hall, and then turned to the sea of shoppers in the Metropolis Multiverse Mall. He sighed, thinking of how much this would suck. Then he placed his hands to his face and forced himself to smile before heading off.

“Why does this happen to me?” Brainy said to himself through gritted teeth.

How DID this happen? Well Brainy, that’s what happens when the rest of the Legion of Super-Heroes take up slots for holiday volunteer work and you wait until the last second. You’ve no one to blame but yourself but for getting saddled with the role of Santa’s elf.

Well, not entirely…

“Hey Brainy,” Garth walked into Brainy’s lab one day while eating one of Timber Wolf’s fresh baked gingerbread men, “Rokk’s putting everyone down for their annual volunteer gigs.”

“I’m in the middle of something,” Brainy tried to ignore Garth as he continued to work on figuring out the Cockroach Paradox. How is it cockroaches were the only creatures on Earth that lasted millennia without evolving, yet could still survive nearly anything?

“Well we all know how much you hate this-“ Garth tried to explain.

“Look just sign me up for whatever,” Brainy responded, “I’m busy.”

Sign me up for whatever, Brainy thought, I should have a hole drilled in my head.

“Hey Brainy wait up!”

Brainy turned around, brought back to the present to see Garth running after him.

“Gee, and I thought Santa’s belly was supposed to shake like a bowl of jam,” Brainy huffed.

“Jelly. Jam doesn’t rhyme,” Garth corrected Brainy.

“Does it matter?” Brainy asked.

“Look on the bright side,” Garth slung an arm around Brainy’s shoulders. “This’ll give us a chance for some real quality bonding time.”

“I am never going to forgive you for subjecting me to this,” Brainy practically spat.

“That’s the Christmas spirit!” Garth patted Brainy on the back so hard it sent the Coluan teen to the floor.

The two approached a little artificial gingerbread house set up in the middle of the mall. Surrounded by giant candy canes, fake snow, and plastic gumdrops, there was a line of kids of all ages, genders, and species waiting to see…

“Ho ho ho, everyone!” Garth waved to all the kids. “We’re gonna start in a few minutes. Just let Santa get seated and then I can’t wait to see all of you!” The children all began to cheer once they saw Santa and an elf who appeared to be constipated.

“SANTA! OH SANTA!” One kid screamed.

“Oh that kid’s gonna be fun,” Garth smirked.

“I think it’s great you’re having fun lying to a bunch of innocent children,” Brainy judged. “Really admirable.”

“Shut up and get in the gingerbread house,” Garth led Brainy through the threshold.

“Think you can refrain from eating the place?” Brainy shot back.

“So this is an automated camera right?” Garth asked, pointing to the hovering camera set up across from the big pine tree, stack of fake presents, and the throne near the back wall of the house.

“Yes,” Brainy started to explain. “You just sit there and tell the kids to smile, and then I program it to take a photo that is sure to be a treasured family memory until the kids become too embarrassed to remember ever doing this.”

“Great!” Garth got comfortable on the throne, “Let’s do this.”

“Let’s not and say we did,” Brainy proposed.

“You know,” Garth raised his right hand which, hidden by his glove, was in fact a cybernetic prosthetic. “I don’t have a problem with a little holiday electroshock.” Garth’s eyes blazed electric blue.

“Real cute, threatening me. That is certainly a thing Santa Claus would do,” Brainy glared before opening the door. He made a grand gesture with his arms. “Come one, come all,” Brainy called to the crowd of kids, “Santa Claus has come to town!”

“Out of my way!” The first child pushed past Brainy and marched to Garth’s throne. “I don’t have all day.”

“Yeah, I’m certainly having fun,” Brainy muttered.

“Greetings, Mr. Claus,” a well-dressed young boy perched himself right on Garth’s lap. From the way the boy stuck his nose up in the air, Garth could immediately see where this was going. “My name is Lester Spiffany, and my family owns Earth’s finest jewelry emporium.”

“And what can I do for you, Mr. Spiffany?” Garth asked trying to sound jolly in the hopes that maybe this kid didn’t seem like such a spoiled brat as he appeared to be.

“To put it simply, Mr. Claus,” Lester carefully explained, “I wish to join the Legion of Super-Heroes.” Garth had to restrain himself from laughing while Brainy rolled his eyes.

“Well, um,” Garth cleared his throat, “Lester, what sort of powers do you have?”

“’Powers?’” Lester held his nose up even higher, like he smelled something unbearable. “A Spiffany should not require something as base as superpowers in order to join a club. The Legionnaires should be lucky to have a person of my class join their ranks.”

Oh, jeez.

“Have you ever tried out for the Legion?” Garth asked in an attempt to remain civil.

“Yes, and they rejected me. Me!” Lester seethed as he remembered his rejection. “Can you believe it?”

Yes I can, Garth thought, because now I remember you. You’re that jerk who tried to bribe his way into the Legion!

“So listen, what’s it going to take for you to get me into the Legion?” Lester dug into his pants pocket and pulled out a small gilded box. “I have in this box several Plutonian Peridots, enough to keep your reindeer in carrots and straw for the next millennium. Do we have a deal?”

Garth took a deep breath in order to restrain himself from saying what he really wanted to tell this kid.

“…sorry Lester, but Santa doesn’t take bribes, and neither do the Legionnaires.”

Lester recoiled, as if Garth smacked him in the face.

“Of all the-!“

“Lester!” A woman dressed in an overpriced fur coat forced her way into the house and grabbed Lester’s arm. “Those belong to your great-grandmother!”

“How many times do I have to tell you she left them to me in her will!?” Lester tried to get free of his mom’s grip.

“And how many times do I have to tell you that she’s not dead!” Mrs. Spiffany turned to Garth as she yanked the box out of her son’s hands. “I’m terribly sorry about this. He takes after his father. Come on, Lester!”

“You’re not even my real mom!” Lester insulted the woman as he dug his heels into the floor.

“Merry Christmas from Santa’s village,” Brainy handed the woman a photo, and then dryly waved goodbye as Lester was dragged away by his mom. “Ho. Ho. Ho.”

“Jerks!” Lester screamed. “You’re all jerks!”

“Still think this is going to be ‘Fun?’” The way Brainy said fun made it sound like the word was made of ice.

“So the first kid was a butthead, they can’t all be bad,” Garth reasoned. “Lighten up, Brainy.”

“Bah,” Brainy spat before turning to the crowd, “Next!”

Sure enough, the next several kids to meet Santa were ordinary boys, girls, and enbies who had reasonable and not-so-reasonable requests of Santa. Some wanted toys, others wanted new clothes, and there was that bizarre little girl who said Santa was “C-Speed” and wanted to be a Legionnaire too.

Then came these two.

“See Styx, I told you it was Santa!”

“Oh come on Stiletto, this isn’t Santa, it’s one of Santa’s helpers!”

“Whatever, this is still totally savage.”

“Totally.”

Garth and Brainy gaped in mute confusion as two red skinned teenage girls, both dressed in skimpy leather outfits, plopped down on Garth’s lap together. More amazingly, the girls both had horns growing out of their foreheads. They looked like they were ready for Halloween instead of Christmas.

“And what can Santa do for you two?” Garth asked, trying to stay in character.

“Well Santa,” the sister with shorter hair winked as she said “Santa,” “my sister is Styx-“

“And she’s Stiletto,” the sister with longer hair added.

“We come from Tartarus-“

“The planet, not the underworld-“

“Our dad’s Prince Evillo-“

“Although he’s technically a king-“

“Well not a king anymore since the Legion dethroned him-“

“But it’s cool because he was evil-“

“Which is so totally NOT savage.”

“Totally NOT.”

“But we love him anyway,” the sisters spoke in unison.

“Um-“ Garth tried to speak before the sisters known as Styx and Stiletto rambled on.

“Anyway,” Styx took the lead, “We were in Metropolis-“

“And we were doing some shopping,“ Stiletto continued, “I’m shopping for her-“

“And she’s shopping for me,” Styx added.

“Because it’s Christmas!” The girls shouted together.

“And when we saw your village we though this’d be savage,” Styx emphasized.

“Because Santa is SO totally savage,” Stiletto explained. “He knows everything-“

“Sees everything-“

“Can go anywhere-“

“He’s like a mind reader-“

“Or a ghost-“

“Or a ghost that can read minds!”

“Gasp I did not think of that!”

I feel like I’m getting a lobotomy just listening to these two, Brainy thought.

“Girls, girls,” Garth laughed, “I don’t mean to be rude but there ARE other people waiting in line.”

“We’re sorry,” the sisters apologized.

“So, we’re big fans of the Legionnaires,” Styx quickly explained, “and what we’d both like is to get an autograph from our FAVORITE Legionnaire.”

“He is THE Legionnaire as far as we’re concerned,” Stiletto sighed.

“He is so savage,” Styx emphasized.

“And he is SUCH a hotty,” Stiletto fanned herself.

“So a hotty,” Styx tittered.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Garth promised, “which Legionnaire is it?”

The sisters exchanged glances.

“Polar Boy!”

Brainy almost fell into the tree and Garth couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think I can arrange that,” Garth assured them.

“See? I told you Santa’s savage,” Styx smugly reminded her sister.

“You did not!” Stiletto was offended. “I told YOU Santa’s savage.”

“You totally did not!”

“I totally did!”

“Would it help if I said you’re BOTH totally savage?” Garth attempted to play peacemaker.

“Aww thanks Santa!” The girls planted a kiss on Garth’s cheeks before hopping off.

“That was painful,” Brainy moaned after giving the girls their photo.

“Oh everything’s painful to you lately,” Garth waved away Brainy’s bad mood.

“Well Santa,” a familiar voice spoke, “I hope Mrs. Claus doesn’t get jealous of your female admirers.”

Brainy’s jaw almost dropped to the floor when he saw who was next.

“Oh the Missus is very understanding,” Garth suggestively said, “Besides, she’s quite popular with the gentlemen too.”

“Really?” Saturn Girl seemed amused.

“She could’ve had any guy she wanted but she chose ME,” Garth placed his hands on his chest, “Such an honor.”

“What are you doing,” Brainy pinched the bridge between his eyes as Imra sat in her boyfriend’s lap. “I thought you volunteered at the soup kitchen.”

“I took a break to see Santa,” Imra nuzzled up in Garth’s lap, “I wanna tell him what I’d like for Christmas.”

“If the two of you start kissing I’m dragging YOU,” Brainy pointed to Imra, “Out of here by your hair. And YOU,” he pointed to Garth, “by your beard. Your REAL beard.”

“Well someone’s being a Kenny Krampus I see,” Imra pouted.

“A what?”

“Oh would you lighten up Brainy?” Imra laughed. “We’re just having a little fun.”

“That is exactly what I told him,” Garth agreed, before he cleared his throat. “And what’s your name, little lady?”

“Imra Ardeen,” Imra stated as if Garth didn’t know. “I’ve been very good this year, Santa.”

“I can see that, Miss Ardeen,” Garth chuckled in his fake Santa voice, “And let me guess. What you would like to know is… don’t tell me…” Garth put a hand to his forehead, “You’re trying to figure out what your boyfriend would like for Christmas.”

“Why Santa!” Imra placed her hands on her cheeks in fake amazement, “That IS what I was going to ask you! Are you a mind reader?”

“It comes with the job.”

“Well, can you guess what I’D like for Christmas this year?” Imra got closer.

“Oh, I think I have an idea…” Garth leaned in, and they both closed their eyes to-

“NEXT!” Brainy shouted, spoiling the mood. He practically shoved the photo into Imra’s hands. Imra scowled and Garth was none too pleased as well. Brainy didn’t care, looking genuinely repulsed by the two. “There are a lot of kids waiting.”

“Honestly,” Imra muttered. “I’ll see you later, Garth.”

“Thanks for stopping by at least,” Garth earnestly thanked her and kissed her on the cheek. “We’ll grab something to eat when I’m done.”

Imra walked out of the little gingerbread house, not even looking at Brainy as she did.

“Seriously Brainy,” Garth stood up out of the throne, “I know this isn’t your idea of a good time but you have to take that candy cane out of your ass.”

“Enough with the Christmas references!” Brainy shouted.

“Brainy, is this really bothering you that much?” Garth asked. “It’s just for fun! You don’t even have to do anything.”

“You mean besides standing here all day and watching you making more of an ass of yourself than usual?” Brainy grumbled. Garth groaned.

“I’m letting that slide,” Garth announced.

“How generous of you.”

“Look, if you really hate this so much, just go,” Garth threw up his arms in defeat, “When I suggested it I really didn’t think you’d react so poorly.”

“Oh, and once I leave everyone in the Legion gets to compare me to that storybook character,” Brainy asked, “That other green person who hated Christmas and wanted to ruin it for everyone?”

“Cousin Mel?” Garth asked.

“No, I mean-nevermind,” Brainy marched over to the window of the fake house, “Send in the next one!”

“Brainy I’m sorry,” Garth tried to apologize, “If I thought you’d hate it-“

“Let’s just get this over with, ‘Santa,’” Brainy scowled. “All I can say is thank God this isn’t a real gingerbread house or you would’ve eaten the entire thing by now.”

Garth shot Brainy a dirty look and slumped back in the throne…

And almost fell out of it when they saw who was next.

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” A familiar voice cried.

Brainy almost backed through the wall when he saw a figure wearing a familiar “S” on his chest.

“Santa!” Superman was happier than Brainy, or Garth, could ever remember seeing, as he ran into the gingerbread house. “I’ve been waiting all day to see you!”

“Well ho, ho, ho!” Garth got back into character. “If it isn’t little Clark Kent! I haven’t seen you since-“

“No! No!” Brainy threw off his elf hat. “I refuse! I rebuke! Rebuke!”

“Brainy!” Superman was surprised. “I didn’t know you worked for Santa.”

“Worked for-?!” Brainy stammered. “Worked for-?!”

“You’ll have to excuse the lad,” Garth whispered. “Low blood sugar.”

“You should get something to eat Brainy,” Clark suggested, “You can get a little hostile when you’re hungry.”

Brainy began screeching at the top of his lungs, ranting and pacing back and forth as Clark sat on Garth’s lap.

“Is this okay?” Clark asked. “I’m not too big?”

“No-ho-ho!” Garth boomed and patted his belly. “I can assure you I’m built for this job.”

“HOSTILE WHEN I’M HUNGRY!” Brainy screamed. “KRAMPUS! COUSIN MEL!”

“What can I get for the man who has everything?” Garth asked.

“Well there isn’t much I want this year,” Clark began, “And I know in this time I can’t ask for anything for Ma and Pa and Lois my friends in Metropolis and Smallville. It’s not breaking the rules if I see you in this century and then the 21st Century, is it?”

“It’ll be our little secret,” Garth promised.

“WITH THE FLIP FLAPPERS AND ZIP ZAPPERS AND ROAST BEAST!” Brainy was practically pulling out his hair.

“Brainy are you okay?” Clark asked.

“Here we go,” Garth sighed.

“I wanna know why! Why Clark?!” Brainy pleaded. “Why are you lowering yourself to this?!”

Clark looked at Garth, and then the two looked at Brainy.

“To what?” Clark was genuinely confused.

“YOU’RE SITTING ON LIGHTNING LAD’S LAP!” Brainy screamed so loud the house shook.

“…so?”

That was not the response Brainy expected.

“I mean, geez Brainy, of course I know this is Lightning Lad,” Clark explained.

“Yeah Brainy, he was right there when I accepted this gig,” Garth added.

“I know he’s not the real Santa,” Clark assured Brainy, who started to calm down. “He’s just helping the real Santa.”

“There is no real Santa!” Brainy whined. “How many times do I have to explain this to you? You’re smarter than this, Clark!”

“Brainy I’m the sole survivor of an entire planet, Garth here got superpowers after being electrocuted, and you’re a robot,” Clark listed, “How can there NOT be a real Santa?”

“I…” Brainy thought for a moment, then sighed. “Why do I have to be the bad guy just because I don’t believe in Santa Claus?”

“I wouldn’t say you’re being a ‘Bad guy,’” Clark defended his friend.

“But you’re acting like a grump and making it hard for the rest of us to enjoy the holiday season,” Garth bluntly added.

“Garth,“ Clark began but Garth cut him off.  
“He’s been like this all day,” Garth continued, “And he acts like this practically every time Christmas comes around. Not even Colossal Boy and Chameleon Boy have such a hard time with Christmas and they don’t celebrate it. I got him to help with this because I thought he might have fun for a change, but clearly I was wrong.”

“In fairness Garth,” Clark reasoned, “You don’t win someone over by forcing them to participate in an event they don’t believe in.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Garth conceded, “Look, Brainy. We know all this is ridiculous. And you know what I’m like most of the time. I’m the last person to go out of his way to look stupid-shut up,” Garth cut off Brainy, “But it’s been a long year and we’re just trying to have some fun before it starts all over again. All of us get you don’t believe in Santa, and maybe the holidays aren’t your thing. Yet you think maybe we wouldn’t force this on you so much if you weren’t constantly putting us down for it?”

Brainy picked up the elf hat.

“I will make a better effort to remember my beliefs are not everyone’s beliefs,” Brainy put the hat back on his head, “Even though I have repeatedly explained through scientific methods Santa Claus cannot exist.”

“Brainy,“ Clark sighed.

“And we’ll try to not be as in your face about the whole thing,” Garth accepted the apology before whispering to Clark “That’s probably the best apology we’re gonna get from him, let him have it.”

“Okay, but on one condition,” Clark announced. “Brainy, get over here.”

“Oh no,” Brainy saw where this was going. “I can’t-“

“Do it or you’re getting coal,” Garth threatened.

Brainy looked at Clark as he tried to make room on Garth’s lap for the two of them. Brainy gulped.

“Fine,” Brainy accepted defeat and sat down. “But I’m not telling you what I want for-“

“Oh look!” Garth pointed upwards. “Mistletoe!”

“There isn’t any-“

SMOOCH.

“Merry Christmas, Brainy,” Clark wished.

And that’s when Brainy fainted.


End file.
